Five Reasons Why You Should Just Smoke a Damn Cigarette
You know the drill. It’s ten past midnight and you’re chatting with randos at your friend’s rooftop “shindig”. Every now and then, a familiar face approaches and relieves you from forced conversation with people whose names you can’t remember. You don’t have the stamina you did in college, so being charming or even normal takes an algorithmic level of concentration. The social stakes are high and you’re in desperate need of something to take the edge off. As for what your elixir could be, the options are limitless. But for the mild at heart (or should I say, powder-averse), we all know there are really only two main players contending for your lungs.
So, do you reach for the vape or for a cigarette? Let me persuade you.
Five reasons why you should just smoke a damn cigarette:
It’s cooler than vaping.
Vaping is lame.
It’s cooler than vaping.
Vaping is lame.
It’s cooler than vaping.
Okay–chill! I know smoking is bad for you. So is vaping. If you’re going to ruin your lungs, at least ruin them in style. With grit. With dignity. With class imbued into every sensational puff.
Don’t believe me? Let history speak for itself.
vs…
A collage is overstepping? Fine, I’ll spell it out for you.
People vape in bathrooms. People smoke in the wilderness.
Vapes are prosaic, boring, flat. Cigarettes are tactile, elegant, symbolic.
You light fireworks with a cigarette, vapes explode in your mouth.
Cigarettes are a smoldering, full body experience. Vapes require no skill, no intellect, no audacity. That’s exactly why your 11-year-old cousin who can barely spell mundane gave you your first JUUL.
The cigarette was crowned “the wand of dreams” by Richard Klein: “a darkly beautiful pleasure that arises from some intimation of eternity”. Pause please, while I scour the archives for a timeless commentary on vaping. Oh wait, there isn’t one.
What’s that? You’ll get “addicted” to cigarettes? Cigarettes are so 2001? They’re TRASHY?! Please. Get real, I dare you.
So next time you’re on a rooftop awkwardly contemplating every nuance of the night's social interactions and as a coping mechanism need something to do with your hands, remember the gravity of the situation. Your entire future is hinged on whether you reach for your JUUL or for a cigarette. Do you want the handsome stranger who could become your spouse to think you have some weird affinity for tiny flutes, or do you want them to assume you just left an intimate dinner with Willem Dafoe where you discussed Matisse over reposado on ice?
The choice is yours. Allow me to paint one final picture.
The trajectory of your night if you were to hit the vape: The handsome stranger who just asked you where you’re from is waiting for an answer. You’re sweating. You’re thinking of how much you miss your couch and the only person you’re interested in entertaining is Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy in the 1995 PBS adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. In a moment of weakness, you dig into your front pocket and pull out your flash drive–sorry, vape. You raise it to your lips and shrug. “Uh”–nervous inhale–“just…kind of all over, I guess.” You blow a gaudy, vanilla puff into his face. The handsome stranger blinks and walks away.
The trajectory of your night if you were to just smoke a damn cigarette: The handsome stranger who just asked you where you’re from is waiting for an answer–actually, it was you who posed the question. Leaning against the wall, you casually reach into your back pocket and thoughtfully select a cigarette from its cardboard cradle. Still making eye contact and leaning in ever so slightly, you smile and light the cigarette. The handsome stranger is speechless. You masterfully exhale a cloud of toasted tobacco and it dissipates into the wind. The sky opens up and, dear Lord–is that a pegasus? You climb aboard and gloriously ascend into the vastness of the night. “Damn,” says the handsome stranger. “They’re cool as hell.”
I rest my case.
