I’m In a Long-Term Relationship With My Graphing Calculator
Like any unmarried 26-year-old woman, I’m a pro at feilding the question “are you dating anyone?” My answer is usually a resounding “no.” But I have an announcement that my mom’s group of lunch friends, my extended family, and every colleague who has ever been “dying to set me up with someone” will be particularly interested in.
For the past 12 years, I've been in a very serious relationship. I enjoy loyalty, trust, and supportive companionship when facing life’s most challenging pre-algebra equations. That’s right, ladies and gents. The soft launch is over. I’m excited to announce that I am in a long-term relationship with my graphing calculator. And I dare say, you are too.
If I sent you spiraling on a cerebral scavenger hunt to mentally unearth the whereabouts of your TI-84 graphing calculator, let me give you a hint of where this artifact of arithmetic proportions may be hiding. It’s not at Goodwill. It’s not at your parent’s house. I’m willing to bet my next tax break that your TI-84 is perched in the top drawer of your home office desk, hiding in plain sight.
By now, your TI-84’s ergonomic keypad has iced over, the bluelight glow has dimmed in concert with your memory of quadratics. But despite hanging up your numerical cleats years ago, I’m sure you keep your TI-84 around in case of a life or death scenario where the only way out is to graph a parabola. For me, simply the knowledge of its near proximity is a sedative for my math-averse soul. If my brain ever short circuits on the switchbacks of geometry, I know my TI-84 is sitting like a watchman ready to defend my mathematical honor.
Yes, this is relational bondage. Yes, I am comfortable in it. A savior complex encouraged. A case study in attachment theory, unexplained.
We used to go everywhere together. My TI-84 lived at the bottom of my backpack for 4+ years, constantly digging itself into the small of my back like a computational thorn. I floated down the river of algebra class with my graphing calculator as my life raft. On test day, I met it in the boxing ring where I pounded out sine, cosine, and tangent like its keypad was my personal punching bag. It endured each blow with fortitude, and lent itself as a de facto tissue for my frustration induced tears.
Obviously, years have passed since then. But I would never dare leave the Cadillac of calculators out in the cold simply because I decided to major in Mass Communication. Besides, there is something intoxicating about the TI-84. It’s heavy. It’s imposing. It’s pure unadulterated algebra.
Yes, it turns out the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with my graphing calculator. But we have all the elements that make a great relationship: loyalty, trust, shared experiences, and it feeds into my greatest fantasy that I’m a math genius. Though I constantly betray my TI-84 with my pedestrian iPhone calculator, I vow to save my most serious math problems for that keypad I know so well, where my fingertips are ensconced in plastic, embraced by numbers.
As long as there is math, there will be my TI-84. I can’t wait for us to grow old together.