A Definitive Ranking of Owen Wilson’s Hair
Owen Wilson is a juice cleansed cowboy who has what I like to call range.
Don’t pretend like you haven't seen him effortlessly glide through disjointed movie genres like a cinematic swan. Because I promise, you have.
He’s a Sony Pictures Classic darling, Wes Anderson’s right hand man, a screwball comedy mainstay, and the emotional backbone of what has been categorically ranked as the saddest dog movie of all time. His voice portrayal of Lightning McQueen was so triumphant that a plot of land in California has been bulldozed over and rebuilt as a monument to Lightning McQueen’s home, Radiator Springs. Marlon Brando could never.
With a film range like this, and such classic mainstays at that, I dare say Owen Wilson has given us modern American folklore. Yes, I went there.
I realized this when I was visually assaulted by his gnarled nose and luscious mane of golden hair while scrolling through in-flight movie options in Delta economy. That same head of blonde hair was cinematically served to me on an 11.6 inch flat screen platter, each variation looking equally shockheaded and ripe for the picking.
One minute he was suited up and shaggy in Wedding Crashers, the next, he was emotionally and physically bruised in The Darjeeling Limited. But the common thread between all these disparate films is that Owen Wilson always plays Owen Wilson.
So then, what is the secret to his genre-bending superpower? How could a man who built a $70 million net worth on his delivery of the word “wow” have a monopoly on airline movies?
I think the secret is his hair.
In fact, I think his hair does 80% of the acting for him. It’s the only part of him that really does any shape shifting. And like his performances, some of his hairstyles are better than others. Lucky for you, I ranked all the ones that matter.
As a primer, let’s take a moment to observe Owen Wilson’s hair in peak flow.
Since observing Owen Wilson’s hair in peak flow could be considered a sort of spiritual rite, I’ll keep my comments brief and state the obvious. The natural wave of his hair has John John Florence clamoring for his surfboard. The dimension of his buttery blonde tresses helped scientists discover a fourth dimension of color. As a side note, if the above photos are not your hair colorist's gospel, then they are not a believer.
Now that we’ve journeyed to the top of the mountain, let’s swan dive to the bottom. Warning, there is no parachute to soften the blow of what you’re about to see. Coming in last we have….
11. Bottle Rocket
As someone who’s witnessed Owen’s hair in a state of Peak Flow, I find this sorry excuse of a buzz cut personally offensive. Not everyone has the luxury of having hair that is reminiscent of the Pacific Ocean, and here his salt chuck coiffure has been sheared down to the studs. Instead of giving us a soft wave, his hair is reaching out, begging for someone to take it’s hand and rescue it from follicle prison. Regardless, I think his hair still evokes something. On a good day, that something is a mild electric shock. On a bad day, it’s Nadine from Hey Arnold. Someone needs to be sued.
10. Marry Me
The only thing more upsetting than watching Owen Wilson and Jenny from the Block pretend to be in LOVE is watching him do it with THAT HAIR. Since he was obviously forced to get fillers for this movie, I’ll go ahead and assume they forced him to wear a wig too. For this reason I almost didn’t include it. But in the interest of journalistic integrity, I had to show you. Careful not to squint, you may confuse him for Ellen DeGeneres.
9. Hall Pass
It looks like Owen’s three great loves are accounting, his Camry, and his wife. I’ve never seen the movie, but I’m sure calculated debauchery is hiding underneath that clean-cut ‘do, and these combed back tresses are nothing more than an uninspired cover-up for something salacious simmering. If you ever wondered what Owen Wilson would look like as a dad from your hometown, here you have it.
8. Wedding Crashers
Behold! This is Owen Wilson’s hair in its most natural state, the substructure for every other Owen Wilson ‘do. There are two things you must look for when testing for Classic Owen Hair™: texture and resemblance. The texture must be choppy, blonde, and shaggy. The resemblance must be that of a bowl of capellini. A strong result (such as above) will look like he decided to get a burrito instead of a haircut.
7. The Grand Budapest Hotel
I’m startled, but charmed. The chaotic shag has been wrangled and bedaubed into place. Here we see Owen Wilson, yet again, proving his elasticity in all things. Only this time he’s flexing his muscles by showing us that, yes, he can pull off both pandemonium and order. I still count this glossy coiffure a misdemeanor considering his hair is naturally so luscious. My soul wilts at the thought of it suffocating under a hard shell of hair gel. But hair codification is certainly something he can do if he would like, as long as it’s accented by a military-grade mustache.
6. Loki
I didn’t know this was Owen Wilson until someone told me. The bend in his perpetually broken nose wasn’t even enough to tip me off. But the man looks, dare I say….age appropriate? His “old man” hair is full and textured, a delightful silver-gray that says, “I use words like ‘scintillate’ in casual conversation and smoke imported cigars to take the edge off.” If this is where his hair is naturally headed in eight to ten years, then I look forward to the next chapter of his career as a silver fox.
5. Marley and Me
It’s Classic Owen Hair™ but on vacation! This is what happens when his slapdash shag drinks a pina colada, gets a massage, and wears a sunny shade of pretense saying he “doesn’t go to a colorist, it’s just the sun!” I’m sure there’s an entire team standing behind the camera, ready to shield his hair from the nefarious ocean breeze threatening to dishevel his perfectly positioned strands, but we’re only going off images here. Hang loose, baby! But be pristine while doing it.
4. Zoolander
I thought hair texture like this only existed in photoshopped advertisements for Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray. But let’s be real, Owen Wilson’s hair in Zoolander probably inspired the ocean itself to make hair do stuff like this. This is my greatest hair fantasy come to life, which makes these long, flowing, buttery blonde beach waves one of Owen Wilson’s greatest hits. My only question is, what’s his secret?
3. Midnight in Paris
Classic Owen Hair™ reads poetry. It’s short enough that he can feast his eyes on Proustian prose, but still the same tousled, endearing mess that first jolted our senses. This is Owen Wilson in a parallel universe, the one where he fully committed to his English degree (which he actually has) and the only thing he’s interested in combing through is his Hemmingway first edition.
2. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
I know what you’re thinking–stop right there. That is not a pathetic little hat. It’s a cotton cupola, a crowning embellishment, crimson trimming on the flow that we know and love so well. Owen Wilson’s hair is reliably luscious, but I’ve never seen it cascade in a single direction quite like this, all thanks to the driving force of the hat. His contained head of hair is balanced by the shining star of this Owen Wilson moment: his mustache. Jaques Cousteau wishes.
1. The Royal Tenenbaums
Ah, our Studio City cowboy in his most aberrant and untrammeled form. If sin had not entered the world, I believe this is the Owen Wilson we would be graced with every day. Let’s observe. His hair is so thick, I can practically see the protein structures holding hands and singing in unison. His flaxen strands are long and loose, but pruned. This is hair that tells a story. He’s a man that values order, but cherishes freedom. Have you ever had a hair day so good it inspires narrative?
The only thing I have left to say is hats off to you, Owen Wilson. Because even though you look good in one, you never, ever, need to wear one.